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Ann Gaffigan's Steeplechics.com Blog:
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No news isn't always good news
(posted on 05/09/07 at 1:59 pm EDT) | They say no news is good news, but I beg to differ. I would give anything for some news right now to send me in some kind of direction: Your iron is low, you need to take more iron. You have mono. You have some other virus. You are overtrained. You are overstressed. It's all in your head, snap out of it.
But in reality it could be any of these or something new and cool that I don't even know about. Except for the iron, which has been tested and is fine, and mono, which you can only get once and I've already had. But something is definitely wrong. I hope. I hope I don't just all of a sudden suck at the thing I used to be best at. Hopefully I am not just doomed to be a 10:42 steeplechaser and that's it. Where's the meaning in that?
Yes, I said 10:42. That's what I ran at the Drake Relays. Pathetic for someone whose PR is 9:39. I get done, and I'm embarrassed. I don't want to be a "what happened to her?" conversation-starter. Who does? And through my mind flashes all the sacrifices, all the miles, all the ice baths, all the vitamins and liquid iron supplements and protein shakes, all the core exercises and drills, the 18-miler on Thanksgiving, the tempo run the morning after my boyfriend and I decide to take a "break", the New Years Eve I spent going to bed early so I could be rested for the upcoming Houston Half (see previous entry for how that turned out). And what about those great workouts I was having over the winter? What happened??
And I'm holding it all back because there are a lot of people here. I just need to get to the bathroom where I can lock myself in a stall and THINK. So I'm on a mission to get to the bathroom and I get stopped by someone who I had met for the first time earlier in the day and who seemed nice enough but now he wants to talk about my race. Don't you know I'm in no position to do that right now? Not with you. But he keeps talking and I'm a nice person so I politely talk to him for a little bit and basically tell him I don't know what's wrong and that yes, I'll get my iron tested and all of that. Just when I think the conversation is over, he says "One last thing, and don't take this the wrong way...I think if you could just lose 3 or 4 pounds, it would really make a difference."
The filter in my head is working overtime to make sure I don't let the woman in me who is NOT a nice person show. So I say "This is about as skinny as I get. I am a very healthy eater." And he continues, "I think you're almost there and if you can just tweak a few things." And I say "Look, I don't have the genetics to get as skinny as some of the other women." I finally get away and find a stall. How in the world does this guy get to the conclusion that he has the right to tell me his opinion when he doesn't know anything about me? For example, he doesn't know that this is the same weight I was at when I ran 9:39. And that I was heavier earlier in college and this is actually a very lean weight for me.
I hate feeling this way. I am not this girl who doesn't succeed at what she puts her mind, heart, body and soul into. That's not me. And I am not this girl who lets some guy she doesn't even know get in her head and make her feel bad about her weight. My mind flashes back to the days I played competitive soccer, all the way up until I went to college. I was the perfect build for a soccer player: lean but with powerful quads. My teammates wanted to know what I ate and how I got so toned. And I was good because I could run circles around the other players all day. I felt like queen of the world. I fit into that box. Sometimes I wonder why I try to fit myself into the box of distance running, one I'm not naturally built for. One that requires me to fold into contorted positions to just barely fit. And at anytime I could bust out of it and I have to start over.
Am I just banging my head against the wall? Where is the magic I had in 2004? Or even at the end of 2005? Was I just dreaming? No, I see the pictures and read the articles. It happened.
An algorithm is a finite list of steps that lead from a given initial state to a specific end state, every time they are performed, without fail. It is a guaranteed way to get from A to B. There is no algorithm for PR-ing. PR-ing is what they call "NP-Complete". As in, you can find the answer via trial and error, and it could be well-educated trial-and-error, but there are no guarantees that you are going to get to the desired end result in the most efficient way, or even at all. So my computer science degree and my running career finally meet. But where does that leave me?
Good question. And I don't know the answer. So I'm taking baby steps. I have less than a month until the High Performance Twilight meet at Occidental College on June 3. I'm going to race there and see if I had made any progress. In the meantime, I am going to sleep a lot and take care of myself and train moderately so I can give my body a chance to get through whatever it is holding it down. And I am not going to lose 3 or 4 pounds. | | Send a Comment |
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