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Give me something to believe
(posted on 06/12/07 at 7:13 pm EDT, updated on 06/12/07 at 7:14 pm EDT) | Give me something to believe ‘cause I don’t believe in you anymore, anymore.
I’m jamming out to the song “Makes me Wonder” by Maroon 5 in my rental car leaving the track at Occidental College last Sunday night after yet another embarrassing race. Why does this song get to me? Why am I relating to it so well? It’s about a relationship fizzling out after trying so hard to make it work. It’s about finally getting fed up and throwing in the towel. And you’re angry about it; angry with the other person for not holding up their end of the deal and helping to make it work. It’s about wondering if it was ever worth it. Are the good times worth the constant struggle? Well I’m certainly not in that type of situation with someone, so what is it about this dang song?
It’s cathartic to get good and angry sometimes and to have something to fight against. It helps if there’s a specific target toward which to direct your anger; a person, for example, someone who is opposing you and trying to bring you down. Yeah, that’s it, an opponent. The problem with running is, you are never face-to-face with your opponents. And we’re all just so darn nice that there’s never any reason to be vengeful toward each other! But I’m angry anyway, at something. I want to fight, but something is holding me down and not letting me break through and show what I can do. Stop stifling me!
Feels so good to be there, but not worth the aftermath, after that, to try to get you back.
Is it me? Maybe I’m angry at myself? It’s hard to pinpoint. But what I do know is that this is not a new struggle. When I open my journals from junior high and high school, it is apparent that my relationship with running has been a love-hate one from the start. My happiest entries were when I was in the middle of a great season, winning conference and state titles and running the top times in the state. The saddest entries were the ones where I was not running well and was struggling to return to my old form. I attached my identity to my running success. If I was running well, I was confident and strong. If I was having a bad season, I was plagued with low self-esteem and lack of motivation.
I’m better about that now. I make a conscious choice to not beat myself up after a bad race or a string of bad workouts. I remind myself that it means something is wrong with my body, not my person. But it still hurts, it still cuts at my heart and bruises my ego, and that makes me angry. And after a couple years or so of having that feeling way too often, I find myself singing along angrily…
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try??
…I’m tired of being brought down, of feeling dejected and disappointed, after trying so hard. And it gets harder every time to choose not to beat myself up and to remind myself that something must be wrong, that it’s not my fault. It’s also just plain hard to keep losing.
I’ve been here before. One day I’ll wake up and it won’t hurt anymore.
It’s too late for this season. I’m too far in a hole. I asked my coach “Should I still go to USA’s?” His reply was immediate: “No, since you asked”. It stung and I choked back tears, but it was also a relief. I don’t have enough fight left in me right now to keep going. I need to start over with a clean slate. I need to paint some rooms in my house and start on some new programming projects in order to feel good about my worth again. I need to spend time with friends and let them make me laugh. I’ve become way too somber about the situation. My perspective is warped. I cannot let my failures tear me apart. I need to find hope again.
….so this is good-bye.
I get to this line in the song and I don’t sing it as loudly. No matter the height of my frustration, I cannot say good-bye. I’ve come too far and given too much and seen enough promise to know that I have to stay in this. I will lose and lose and lose again as long as I come out with a win in the end. And that means making the 2008 Olympic Team. So this is what I will believe in. | | Send a Comment |
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